Monday, September 25, 2006

Taking a Bite Out of Marriage

Let's not forget that the author of Jaws, the late Peter Benchley, was a long-time Mass resident. Could this happen here?
WASHINGTON DC—Senator Bill Frist (R–TN) introduced a controversial new bill Tuesday that would severely limit the ability of sharks to "mutilate the institution of marriage until it is completely unrecognizable."

"For too long, we've stood by as our most sacred institution has been thrashed, bit by bit, by these amoral predators," said Frist at a press conference, standing in front of a detailed diagram of a great white shark. "Marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and no shark should come between them with its powerful jaws and massive dorsal fin."

Sen. Bill Frist (R–TN) decries sharks' "ferocious impact" on marriage. Bill S-691, also known as The Protection Of Marital Extremities Act, was co-sponsored by Mel Martinez (R–FL), who said that, as a devoted husband, he would not want his own 25-year marriage to be split to pieces by a shark, and hinted that opponents of the bill were in fact aiding the fish in their "murderous ways."

"Liberals and Democrats would have you believe that sharks pose no threat to married couples," Martinez said. "They tell us that sharks should just be left alone to mind their own business, and they won't do anyone any harm. But we say it's time for those of us with backbone to stand up for what we believe in—before that backbone is torn violently from our torsos by these soulless, underwater killers."

Thanks to the Onion for alerting us to Bill Frist's unending work to protect us from the many threats to marriage today. I know that next time I'm at the New England Aquarium, I'm steering my hubby away from the shark tank.

6 Comments:

Blogger David said...

>"Marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and no shark should come between them with its powerful jaws and massive dorsal fin."

This makes NO sense...unless he thinks that he will be tempted to dump his wife for a man. Otherwise, in what way would anyone or anything come between a married man and woman?

I suddenly became a Brad Pitt fan recently. It was when I heard this: He was asked when he and Angelina were getting married, and he said "When everyone is free to marry."* What a great line! I almost wish I hadn't gotten married so that I could use it! Instead I've settled on no longer using the phrase "my wife". I now say "my partner".

* This isn't necessarily an exact quote.

7:27 AM  
Blogger David said...

I just went and got the exact Pitt quote (from Esquire):

"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able,"

7:30 AM  
Blogger Alison Rose said...

>>"This makes NO sense..."<<

You're right, David, it makes no sense. Unless he has an unusual attraction to cartilage. :-)

And I'm a much bigger Brad Pitt now, myself.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Russell Woolard said...

Somebody call the Fonz. The debate over the sanctity of marriage has now officially jumped the shark.

6:17 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

My DH & I were at the Aquarium last month, and I had no idea that we were in danger -lol.

7:57 AM  
Blogger karrie said...

I love The Onion.

Especially now that I can blame any marital squabbles on those meddling sharks.:)

5:09 PM  

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